Dear Dr. Debra,

My boyfriend and I are in our mid-fifties. We’ve been together about five years, living together for four. I have adult children. He doesn’t. I own my home, which I’m leasing out. I’m living in his house and paying “rent”—half of the mortgage and the utilities. He used to talk about getting married, but now has told me he changed his mind. He’s very controlling about money, keeping track of every penny. I’m looser about money than he is. He’s concerned about mingling our money, although I’ve told him we don’t have to.

I don’t feel like his house is mine, and I miss “nesting.” The economy has him spooked about his finances, and he refuses to sell his house so we can buy one of our own. I’m concerned about what would happen if he died. His sister would inherit, but I couldn’t move back to my house for a year until the lease was up. So in the midst of grieving his death, I’d also have to find a place to live and move. I nagged at him until he agreed to see an attorney to make a will, which would allow me to stay in the house until I could move home. But he won’t make the appointment or go to counseling because he’s worried about money.

I do love him. We get along well, and he’s good to talk to, to listen to me, he’s supportive of what I do in my life. But, I feel I’m marking time, waiting for his finances to improve, so we can do things to further our relationship. But I feel like my heart’s starting to not be in the relationship.

Wondering Whether to Give Up

Dear Wondering,

It’s hard to be in a holding pattern, waiting for circumstances to change so a relationship can improve. Even though you’ve written a lot, I can’t quite get a handle on your relationship. You mention qualities in your boyfriend—the support, how he listens, getting along well—that are important, but also share about what bothers you.

Instead of giving you advice, I’m going to give you questions to ask yourself. I think the answers to the questions might give you enough information to make a decision.

1. Am I staying in this relationship because I don’t want to be alone, or I’m afraid I won’t find a relationship that’s better? Many times, people remain in relationships because they’re “good enough,” but aren’t entirely fulfilling. But these people are so afraid of being alone, or they believe they won’t find the loving relationship they desire, that they don’t risk leaving. They feel they might as well stick with what’s comfortable.

2. Can I improve my spending, saving, and investing habits? Is your boyfriend’s complaint about your finances valid? Could you learn from him, and make some wiser choices about your money? (Debtors Anonymous is a great program for finding out if you have money issues. www.debtorsanonymous.org )

3. Does my boyfriend have a generous spirit or a miserly spirit?

A frugal attitude about money, especially in this economy, is a good quality. However, there’s a difference between being frugal and being miserly. Does he take you out for dates? Does he insist you pay half of everything when you go out? Does he buy you spontaneous presents, even if they don’t cost much? Does he give thoughtful, generous gifts at Christmas and birthdays? Is he a good tipper? Does he give to charity? Will he lend/give money to family or friends if they are in need?

4. Will he’ll change if the economy improves and/or he has more money? Many people have a hoarding mentality, where they fear they never have enough money or security, no matter what their reality is. They always find excuses for their attitude and choices, instead of realizing their inner insecurities. If your boyfriend is like this, he’s not going to change, at least not without therapy or coaching.

5. Is he trying to find creative solutions to enhance my lifestyle and add romance to your relationship that doesn’t involve spending money? In other words, is he stuck in a tightfisted mentality that extends to his whole life, including your relationship, or is he able to find ways to have fun, enjoy life, and make you feel special?

If you determine his personality is the hoarder type, and he’s unwilling to change, you’ll either have to accept him as he is or move on. The other alternative is to remain in a relationship where you expend a lot of energy nagging and have little to show for it.

All the best,

Dr. Debra

Debra Holland, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in relationships and communication techniques.

Feel free to write Dr. Debra with your questions.

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