Dear Dr. Debra, 

I’ve started having cooperation problems with my thirteen-year-old son.  He’s doing well in school.  The problems are at home.  Seth loves to play computer games and is involved in an online community with members all over the world.  He plans to design games when he’s older.  The computer is in the living room, and his mother or I closely monitor his activities.  We encourage his computer time, although he must finish his homework first.  Also we have him involved in a sport.

The problem comes when we want him to stop using the computer.  He tunes us out, and we really have to get after him before he’ll listen.  The virtual games involve going to different levels, and he doesn’t want to stop when he’s in the middle of one.  Do you have any suggestions to get him to cooperate? 

An Annoyed Father

Dear Annoyed Father, 

First of all you sound like you are doing everything right when it comes to your son and his time online.  Seth’s computer use is monitored, you make sure his homework is done first, and he’s also involved in sports.

I’m sure it’s difficult for Seth to disengage from the virtual game he’s playing when he’s absorbed and having fun.  But I wouldn’t assume that he’s purposefully tuning you and his mother out.  The male brain is structured for mono-tracking, and a boy or man has difficulty concentrating on more than one thing at a time.  So a male can be focused on something--television, reading the newspaper, or the computer, and be deaf to other stimuli.  If you think about it, your wife has probably complained about you not hearing her when she tried to get your attention when you’re doing these kind of activities.

To avoid computer use arguments, I suggest you give Seth a warning time before he has to disengage from the computer.  Ask Seth how much time he feels he needs as a warning.  For example, you want him to stop playing at 6:00, so he can help with dinner.  He has made an agreement with you that he receives a fifteen minute warning.  At 5:45, you tap him on the shoulder and say, “Fifteen minute warning.”  Then you set a timer, which is positioned next to the computer so it’s in his line of sight.

It’s Seth’s responsibility to finish the level he’s on in the game, get off the computer, and stand up from the chair (so you can see he’s finished) before the timer goes off.  If he fails to do so, the consequence is that he is deprived from the computer (unless it’s for schoolwork) the rest of the evening and the entire next day.

Make sure you enforce the rules.  If you don’t, you’ll only teach him that he doesn’t have to listen to you.

Don’t argue with him if he messes up.  He’ll probably do so a few times before realizing that you are serious about enforcing the rules.  If one day away from the computer doesn’t seem to be enough, go to two days as a consequence.

Some teenagers will argue with you forever, even if they’re the ones who broke the rules.  So making a statement that puts the responsibility back on Seth is important.  If he complains of the consequences, remind him that it was his choice to break the rules.  Then walk away and don’t keep arguing.

If you and his mother remain consistent, within a few weeks, you shouldn’t have any more problems with his computer time.

Dr. Debra

 
Feel free to write me with your questions.

Debra Holland, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in relationships and communication techniques.

To read previous 'Ask Dr. Debra' articles, please visit www.wetnoodleposse.com, where Dr. Debra is a regular contributor, or click here to view the archives.

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