Dear Dr. Debra,

My mom is staying with me for a visit.  She knows I can’t stand my sister.  I honestly, totally despise her.  So what does Mom do?  Talks about her, all the time.  I’ve heard all about their three-level deck, the two plasma TVs, the new Volvo, everything done by any of the dozens of grandkids for the last year, all about their trip to Belize tomorrow, their cruise to wherever last month, their trip to Taiwan last fall--all on the church’s money in the guise of mission trips.  If I say something about my own grandchildren, I’m interrupted by tales of one of my sister’s.  I’ve held my tongue, swallowed the smart-ass replies, but I’ve reached my limit.  I’m about to unload on an old lady with both barrels if I can’t find a way to stop this.  Any advice on how to deal with a parent who constantly lets you know how “successful” your sibling is (as opposed to you, of course) when you do NOT want to hear it?

A daughter who’s about to explode

Dear exploding daughter,

Your situation with your mother sounds so painful, and I can understand why you’re feeling hurt and angry with her.  It’s hard when a parent favors one child over another.  Parental approval is important to children.  And we’re never too old to hear personal compliments from our parents.  If you’ve always strived for your mother’s approval, but didn’t receive it, then you have an emotional wound you need to heal.

To be fair to your mother, it’s possible that she’s doing the same thing to your sister--bragging about your accomplishments and those of your children and grandchildren.  Some parents are unable to praise their adult children to their faces, but tell others about their pride in their offspring.  Many times I’ve heard a client tell me that they’d heard from someone else that their parent had said something positive about them.  The client is surprised to learn the parent feels that way, yet is also frustrated that the parent can’t directly say the compliment. 

However, there are also manipulative parents who switch their praise on and off, depending upon which child is currently basking in their approval.  The other siblings feel resentful, and all the adult children know they can’t trust the parent because the next month, someone else might be the “good” one.  This emotional damage might cause them to struggle for their parent’s fickle approval.  Or they can rebel against the parent.  Also, this kind of negative parental behavior can lead to sibling rivalry that lasts for a lifetime, instead of being outgrown at the end of childhood.

As a parent, it’s important to love our children and treat them equally.  That doesn’t mean we can’t love them differently.  Each child is an individual, and our feelings for them are unique.  Perhaps balance is a better word than equal.  We need to balance our compliments, time, attention, and gifts so a child isn’t favored over the others.  Of course, a birthday, illness, or special event means one child receives more attention, but that’s only for a certain amount of time.

However, a person might have a child who’s extra special to her in some way.  For example, a mother might have one daughter and several sons, and love the “girl time” she spends with her daughter.  But it’s just as important that she spend quality time with each of her sons.  Or a parent might have a “golden child” who’s beautiful and gifted and easy to be proud of.  But that parent needs to make sure she doesn’t raise her other children in the golden one’s shadow.  This can lead to a life-long lack of self-esteem as well as hostility between siblings.  Or perhaps you have a child who struggles in some way, so he or she needs more of your attention.  Even with a special-needs child, the other siblings need special time with the parent.

I don’t know why you dislike your sister, but I’m sure your mother’s attitude has much to do with it.  Even the best sisterly relationship would be strained by this type of parenting.  If you’re a spiritual person, pray for healing for the relationship with your sister.  If you feel too resentful to take this suggestion, try praying for the willingness to pray for healing the relationship.  Sometimes becoming willing to forgive and move on is an even greater miracle than the actual healing of the relationship.

I believe your own lack of self-esteem and belief that you haven’t accomplished anything adds to the problem.  You are a mother and grandmother.  That alone is a great achievement--perhaps the most important one of all.  Do some soul searching about your life, what you’ve done.  Set some future goals for yourself.  Ask yourself, “When I’m eighty-five years old and am looking back on my life, what kind of memories do I want to have?  What do I want to feel good about?”  Then start taking some steps toward achieving your goals.

You don’t mention whether you’ve spoken to your mother about your feelings.  Even if you have, it’s time for another talk.  First you need to tell your mom how much her favoritism hurts you.  Also, say it adds to your resentment of your sister and strains your relationship with her.  Make sure you convey your thoughts and feelings in a calm, rational way.  It won’t help for you to be angry, blaming, or dramatic.  Use specifics about what your mom says or does that shows favoritism.

In an ideal world, your mom will apologize, tell you she loves you, let you know she’s proud of you, and in the future be very careful about talking about your sister or her family with you.  If your mother doesn’t react in this wonderful way, and instead becomes critical of you, you’ll need to set boundaries for what you want.

I suggest asking your mom to refrain from mentioning your sibling or her offspring unless you ask her questions.  When she starts to mention your sister, politely remind her the topic is off-limits.  If she persists, disengage from the conversation by calmly reminding her of the boundary then leaving the room.

While you’re out of the room, take time to process any feelings you have before you return.  It’s important to stay calm.  Select a new topic of conversation, even if it’s only the weather, to begin when you return to your mother’s presence.  If she brings up your sister, set your boundary again and leave the room.  The exception is if your mother wants to talk about the situation and your feelings instead of brag about your sister.

Continue enforcing your boundaries.  Be consistent.  It might take time, but eventually, your mom will get the picture. 

Best of luck,

Dr. Debra

Feel free to write me with your questions.

Debra Holland, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in relationships and communication techniques.

To read previous 'Ask Dr. Debra' articles, please visit www.wetnoodleposse.com, where Dr. Debra is a regular contributor, or click here to view the archives.

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