Dear Dr. Debra,

I’m sooo embarrassed even asking you this.  I’m even blushing as I type…  I’m a woman in my mid 30’s.  I haven’t had many sexual experiences.  Just recently I started a relationship with a wonderful man.  And we’ve been sexual.  And I loved it! 

The issue is that I have such a hard time talking about sex without blushing!!!  I blush about everything, and I absolutely hate it.  So I just don’t talk about sex even when I want to because I know I’m going start that blasted blushing and humiliate the hell out of myself.  I should be ok talking about stuff like this, and I’m not.  How can I tell him about my sexual feelings?  I guess you could say my sexual fantasies?  God, doctor, I feel like a teenager here.  I should be way beyond this stage by now.  I really want to tell him all this, but I know I’ll get all flustered and make a fool out of myself!  Any suggestions?

Blushing

Dear Blushing,

First of all, congratulations on starting to date a wonderful man.  You’re going to have some fun and challenging experiences with him.  Enjoy.  J

For some people, talking about sex is uncomfortable.  Sex isn’t a usual topic of conversation when you’re growing up.  Many young adults don’t have male/female sexual discussions until they begin a relationship, an already vulnerable time.  Most people become comfortable with practice, although some remain inhibited for their entire lives.

First of all, you need to tell your new boyfriend about your fear of blushing when you discuss uncomfortable issues.  You’re probably self-conscious from being teased about your blushes.  Perhaps you even carry emotional wounds from such treatment.  If your boyfriend is the wonderful man you say he is, I’m sure he’ll be reassuring rather than critical.

At that point, you might feel comfortable enough to segue into sexual topics.  If you don’t, then perhaps you could write to him about your sexual feelings and fantasies, then give/send him the letter.  You don’t need to be in his presence when he reads it.  He can even write you back.

Or, you can start talking face to face, using short words and statements.  You don’t need to have a whole conversation.  For example:

“I like it when you touch me in that way.”

“Could you do that more?”

“Harder.”

“Softer.”

“A little more to the right.”

Once you get used to short sentences, you can move on to paragraphs, and then to whole conversations.

I’m going to suggest that your greatest difficulty might not be the way you blush, but your negative reaction to your own shyness.  Instead of being so harsh with yourself, you need to become more self-loving.  Try using supportive statements to help you overcome your fear.

Here are a few you might start with:

“It’s ok if I blush.”

“I can keep talking even if I blush.”

“It doesn’t matter if I blush.”

Affirmations are a good way to reprogram a negative mindset.  In addition to supportive statements say daily affirmations such as:

“I speak confidentially.”

“I feel good about myself.”

“I’m comfortable discussing sex.”

You might always blush when you discuss uncomfortable topics.  But don’t let that stop you.  Courage means tackling something that frightens you.

Best of luck with your new relationship.

Dr. Debra

 
Feel free to write me with your questions.

Debra Holland, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in relationships and communication techniques.

To read previous 'Ask Dr. Debra' articles, please visit www.wetnoodleposse.com, where Dr. Debra is a regular contributor, or click here to view the archives.

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